What will be....will be
...and so begins the next journey in our life. We have four more years (AHHH...ONLY FOUR?) with sweet Shayna - to mold and shape her before sending her off into the great big world. We have 17 years with Addison - and that will be it for us in the youngster department.
Today we received the bad news that my HCG levels had dropped between Monday and Wednesday. I went from thinking about baby names one minute, to the reality that there will be no baby the next.
It is almost comical how one begins to want something so bad when they aren't able to have it. How a person can think they don't even want any more kids...until they are faced with the inability to make that choice.
What's ironic, is that I had dealt with it. I was okay with not having any more kids after Addison. But I decided that we could give it one more try before I threw in the towel. So we did, and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would actually get pregnant last month. But we did, and I got excited (odd...cause I've sorta conditioned myself not to at this point). I will never understand why God does the things He does. Why He gives, and then takes away. Why I wasn't just allowed to move on - having accepted where we were at with all things fertility. I guess all I will ever know is that He loves me, and there is some reason beyond me that He has for all of this. Right now though, I don't see a forest anywhere in sight...just a great big tree smack in my path.
This one hit me harder than the other two did after Addison. (Did I mention this is miscarriage number 6?) I guess because I realize that I have to be done now. My body and my mind can not take any more of this. It is time to enjoy the fabulous girls I have. Time to relax and live life instead of living from home pregnancy test to home pregnancy test...from blood test to blood test...from miscarriage to miscarriage.
Life is more than that....I'm moving on.
Comments
I remember being there for three of my mom's six miscarriages. There aren't words, really--I remember feeling that no one adequately understood our grief during that period. But we, too, moved on as a family.
Your strength and determination to close that chapter and enjoy your lives is awesome. I'll be praying for you guys as you move on to your next chapter.
I'm sorry that you had to experience this loss. It looks like it happened the day after the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. There is a blog (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/) that I read occasionally that invited readers to tell their story. There are so many of you out there who have had to carry the grief of a miscarriage. You've handled it all so well Dayna. I'm praying for you as you continue your journey in this life. I love you!
I'm so behind on my blog reading that I'm just now reading this. My heart breaks for you and tears come to my eyes just reading this. I'm praying God would give you strength and joy to cherish the two precious gifts of daughters he's given you. Nothing really I can say other than I'm so sorry, we love you and are praying for you!
Love,
Sharee