Depression or boredom?
I struggle off and on at times. I am a high stress - all or nothing - black or white kind of person. My reactions are usually strong one way or the other - and this can sometimes leave my family a little bit scared of me. haha. Kind of the "how is mom/wife going to react sorta deal. I do not deal well with unplanned - and I do not fly by the seat of my pants with near the grace that I used to in my younger days. I have to have a plan - a map for every minute of every day and when things change...it kinda freaks me out a bit.
When life starts to really set in - where I wanted to be at this age/stage of life, who I wanted to be - I start to get overwhelmed even more. Then there are the kids and husband. They all have their own plans of who they want to be, where they want to be, and even more - who they want ME to be. I start getting panic attacks - and I get depressed. My life has not gone according to MY plan. Clearly God's plan has been different ... and that's a good thing I am quite sure given what I thought MY plan would entail. I'm so grateful for God's infinite wisdom and His plan for my life being the perfect plan that it is.
So is it wrong that I get depressed about life in general? Is it bad that I get to places every few years where I am so discontent that I can hardly get out of bed? That I have no desire to do a thing about how I look, how the house looks, who I maintain contact with and what I do each day?
I was at this point here recently. My health had deteriorated to a point that I was physically ill each day, all day long. I couldn't eat much because it would make me feel even more ill. I couldn't go out with friends for very long because I may need to make quick escapes if I started to not feel well suddenly. This illness coupled with some unexpected events on the home front left me feeling - well, honestly, DEPRESSED! I was having true panic attacks for the first time in YEARS. The kind of panic attacks that have you sitting in bed telling your husband through tears that you feel like you might die that night and to please not waste time rushing you to the hospital if you wake up having difficulty breathing or saying you don't feel well.
I am thankful to say - I did something about it. The panic attacks are subsiding - and I think I have remembered something about myself that I had completely forgotten! Depression - for me - is not something that needs to be treated with medication. I seem to cope extremely well with working through whatever my issues are if I simply take on a project!
It sounds kind of funny - or weird perhaps. But seriously, let me paint a house, tear out carpet, stain a floor, learn to retexture walls, scrape popcorn off ceilings, stain baseboards....pretty much anything artistic that will improve my home environment and I am suddenly an entirely new person! It does tend to get a little expensive I suppose. But wow - certainly not as much as if I was writing checks for someone else to do this stuff - far less in fact than if that were the case. I just simply LOVE gutting a room and making it MY ROOM! Turning it into something that is far different from what it was and allowing my brain to just go crazy inside itself while I'm doing all of that manual labor.
So that leads me to wonder - do I really suffer from a true form of depression from time to time? Or is it more like a boredom induced depression? Do I get stuck in that "I'm a mom and housewife, laundry and dishwasher" mode and forget that I am capable of creative expression that helps me to be more of who "I" am?
Right now I feel like I am on crack or something - I am so full of ideas and plans that I am having to force myself to focus on one thing at a time so I can get it all done in the proper order and done well (I hope). It's a great feeling - I feel like my "issues" that I was and am dealing with are just working themselves out a little bit at a time...one brush stroke at a time...one huge ripped up piece of carpet at a time.
What a glorious feeling!
When life starts to really set in - where I wanted to be at this age/stage of life, who I wanted to be - I start to get overwhelmed even more. Then there are the kids and husband. They all have their own plans of who they want to be, where they want to be, and even more - who they want ME to be. I start getting panic attacks - and I get depressed. My life has not gone according to MY plan. Clearly God's plan has been different ... and that's a good thing I am quite sure given what I thought MY plan would entail. I'm so grateful for God's infinite wisdom and His plan for my life being the perfect plan that it is.
So is it wrong that I get depressed about life in general? Is it bad that I get to places every few years where I am so discontent that I can hardly get out of bed? That I have no desire to do a thing about how I look, how the house looks, who I maintain contact with and what I do each day?
I was at this point here recently. My health had deteriorated to a point that I was physically ill each day, all day long. I couldn't eat much because it would make me feel even more ill. I couldn't go out with friends for very long because I may need to make quick escapes if I started to not feel well suddenly. This illness coupled with some unexpected events on the home front left me feeling - well, honestly, DEPRESSED! I was having true panic attacks for the first time in YEARS. The kind of panic attacks that have you sitting in bed telling your husband through tears that you feel like you might die that night and to please not waste time rushing you to the hospital if you wake up having difficulty breathing or saying you don't feel well.
I am thankful to say - I did something about it. The panic attacks are subsiding - and I think I have remembered something about myself that I had completely forgotten! Depression - for me - is not something that needs to be treated with medication. I seem to cope extremely well with working through whatever my issues are if I simply take on a project!
It sounds kind of funny - or weird perhaps. But seriously, let me paint a house, tear out carpet, stain a floor, learn to retexture walls, scrape popcorn off ceilings, stain baseboards....pretty much anything artistic that will improve my home environment and I am suddenly an entirely new person! It does tend to get a little expensive I suppose. But wow - certainly not as much as if I was writing checks for someone else to do this stuff - far less in fact than if that were the case. I just simply LOVE gutting a room and making it MY ROOM! Turning it into something that is far different from what it was and allowing my brain to just go crazy inside itself while I'm doing all of that manual labor.
So that leads me to wonder - do I really suffer from a true form of depression from time to time? Or is it more like a boredom induced depression? Do I get stuck in that "I'm a mom and housewife, laundry and dishwasher" mode and forget that I am capable of creative expression that helps me to be more of who "I" am?
Right now I feel like I am on crack or something - I am so full of ideas and plans that I am having to force myself to focus on one thing at a time so I can get it all done in the proper order and done well (I hope). It's a great feeling - I feel like my "issues" that I was and am dealing with are just working themselves out a little bit at a time...one brush stroke at a time...one huge ripped up piece of carpet at a time.
What a glorious feeling!
Comments
I'm glad you found a project you can gnaw on! It's not only productive but obviously has been good for your spirits. :)